The concept of silver boxes comes from a book I read recently by Florence Littauer, itself titled “Silver Boxes.” The positive, uplifting and loving words we say to those around us are like giving them a pretty silver box. Each time we use these powerful, positive words to speak life to our children it’s like placing another silver box onto their pile.
As I read I was reminded again of how powerful our words are and how careful we must be to guard our tongue. We have the ability to build others up or tear them down with only our words, to brighten a day and encourage someone or to make them feel flat and down. Our spouse and children are the first we should be considering when we use our words, but how often do we turn on the cheer for the person at the door or on the phone when moments before we have been barking and growling at the ones around us that we love the most?
Deserved praise is one of the special ways we can give our children silver boxes. Again, focus on praising character rather than skill. When your child completes a puzzle, commend their focus, concentration, perseverance and effort in doing so, rather than just the act of completion. Otherwise the message becomes “You must be successful to earn my praise,” when it should be more along the lines of “If you work hard and try your best it is a commendable virtue.”
Avoid over-praising. For many of us, giving too little praise is more of a problem, however make sure that the praise you do give is deserved. Do not go into raptures over mediocre efforts and achievements. Look for achievements that come after hard work and effort. Again, linking praise to character means you can give copious amounts of praise that is deserved, rather than false flattery. If your child has done a sloppy job of cleaning their room but you want to encourage them in their efforts, comment specifically on something they have done well. Do not say “Your room looks great!” when clearly it does not. Try, “Well done for showing initiative and responsibility in remembering to tidy up this morning without Mummy having to remind you.”
Praise plates are a great way of giving silver boxes in the form of written encouragement. They help those of us who need to remember to be intentional about praising the good things our children are and do, rather than always focussing on the negative. For a full description, see here.
Each year on our children’s birthdays my husband and I both write them a letter. Throughout the year, as the children achieve milestones, learn something new, lose a tooth or make a funny statement we make a note of it on our calendar. Anything that we want to remember is quickly jotted down right as it happens so we don’t forget it. As their birthdays come around, we use these calendar notes to write our letters. They are full of love and positive memories for the children to treasure – another way to give silver boxes. Read more about them here.
Mummy and Daddy dates are a great forum for silver boxes of quality time and uplifting words. We don’t do them all the time, but when we do, the children remember them as highlights. We keep the outings simple; breakfast at McDonald’s, a trip to the local op shop, a play at Jungle Gym or an icecream run once everyone else is in bed. Especially if there has been some conflict in our relationship, a “date” outside of the home removes all the conflict points. You are not expecting anything from them, you are doing something they love to do, no-one else is there to compete with and they have your full attention. Make sure you use the time to speak some uplifting words and tell them how much you like to spend time with them.
Some people require more silver boxes than others. Those who’s love language is words of encouragement need to hear those positive words. Some of us can give or take them, but others cannot feel loved without those verbal expressions of love, acceptance and praise. Negative words also cut more deeply for children to whom words of affirmation is their primary love language. Be aware too, that unkind, harsh or negative words can tear down that pile of silver boxes much more quickly than it was built up.
When you are having a bad day, take a deep breath and look around for something you can praise for. Catch that child doing anything positive and start to give some words of appreciation and encouragement. Even the tiniest silver box can turn the day around. A good rule of thumb is 3 positive comments for every correction you need to give. It’s harder than it sounds but so worth it!
Filed under: Child training & behaviours | Tagged: building Godly character, family relationships, florence littauer, love languages, love tank, praise plates, silver boxes, words of life, worlds of encouragement |