Filling their love tank: The 5 Love Languages of Children

Each of us expresses love to others and feels loved by others in different ways. These can be categorized into the 5 love languages of physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts and acts of service. Most of us appreciate being loved in all 5 ways, but usually one way will speak to us more strongly than the others and is known as our primary love language.

Why do we need to know? Because it is possible to be expressing your love to your child (or spouse) in one love language (usually your own) and virtually ignoring the love language that makes them feel the most loved. Many children and adults can travel through life feeling unloved, regardless of the fact that their family members do indeed love them very much, they are just not expressing it in that person’s primary love language.

To find out which is the love language of your child, spouse, loved ones or yourself, there are several online tests. Reading “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman (and the rest of the series) will give you a much greater understanding and help you to be more accurate in your diagnosis.

Online tests:

Combine these tests with your own observations of how your child expresses love to you and others, what they ask for or complain about and discussions you have with them about what makes them feel most loved. I would recommend reading the books before you start as the best way to give yourself enough information to make a more accurate assessment.

Beware of pigeon-holing children into one love language too early.  Children need to be shown love in all 5 ways and it is difficult to tell their primary love language before the age of 6 or 7. They must also learn to express all 5 love languages. Who knows what their future spouse and children’s love language will be? Teens too will often go through periods of change so look out for this.

When discipline issues arise, first check your child’s love tank. If we ensure that our children feel well-loved then some issues will disappear without any other action on our behalf. Expect children to display childish behaviours. They are sinners just like you and we shouldn’t be surprised when they mess up. Be proactive and approach correction with a plan and calmness rather than anger and withdrawal.

Love must be unconditional. When you least feel like loving them is when they most need it. When you are having one of “those” days, take a break from the routine and spend 15 minutes filling their love tanks. We may not feel loving but we can still act in a loving way.

Teach children to fill other people’s love languages. Explain how siblings and parents in your family feel loved. Brainstorm ways the children can show love to each other. Take a few minutes regularly to plan with individual children one thing they can do to show love to a family member today. Make sure you demonstrate love for your spouse in front of the children.

Here are some specific ways that parents can show love to their children in each of the 5 love languages.

Physical Touch

  • hugs, kisses, cuddles
  • hand on back or shoulders while talking, passing by or during correction
  • back rub, massages
  • sitting on lap or cuddled up close
  • carrying or piggy-backing a child to bed rather than walking
  • wrestling, sock wrestling, rough and tumble, tickles
  • bumping on the way past, covering eyes, tousling hair
  • older boys like jostling, playful punching, high 5’s, bear hugs, contact sports
  • fathers need to be careful to continue displaying appropriate physical touch to teen girls
  • family prayer time before leaving the house in the morning including physical touch and goodbye hug
  • sitting or laying together on the bed and story time with cuddles as part of a goodnight ritual
  • finding them when you arrive home and give them a hug and kiss
  • games involving touch – Ninja, footsies, handsies
  • rub down or massage after sporting activity
  • pamper time with foot washing, manicures and pedicures, hair brushing and special hair-dos
  • teens may not want open displays in front of others. They may not respond openly to your physical touch, but may still want to receive it

Avoid:

  • rough touch, harsh or irritated touching, touching in anger or hostility and physically hurrying a child along.

Words of Affirmation

  • Cheer at sports games and give verbal encouragement throughout any kind of event or performance
  • Write thank you notes, encouragement, love letters, birthday card messages with depth and meaning. Make sure Dad writes messages in birthday cards as well as Mum.
  • Let them hear you praise them to others
  • Tone of voice and eye contact is important
  • Use words of appreciation for what and who they are, as well as words of praise for what they do or achieve
  • Avoid insincere or false praise and flattery. Do not give praise that isn’t genuine or deserved
  • Praise character rather than just achievement
  • Catch your child doing good and commend them for it
  • Lunchbox & whiteboard notes (Pop a small note in their school lunchbox for them to discover at lunchtime or for homeschoolers, Dad may write a message on the whiteboard before he leaves for work.)
  • Say “I love you” every day and do not connect it to any kind of condition (I love you, will you please….)
  • Write and post a real letter for the child to take from the mail box.
  • Send an invitation to your child for a special day or event you have planned.
  • Yearly reflections from Mum (Keeping a written record of achievements, milestones, special events and other information about each child. Perhaps in a photo album as part of your scrapbooking.)
  • Birthday letters from Dad (Imagine having a letter from your Father every year of your life tucked away. It could be filled with encouragement, advice, memories or anything that communicates love.)
  • Praise plates

Avoid:

  • Talking negatively about your child to others, especially in their hearing
  • Teasing, ribbing or put-downs
  • Criticism and harsh words. Do not allow your frustration to come out in cutting words or sarcasm.

Quality Time

  • One-on-one time is important. Have a routine and spend time early in the day doing something together with your child before expecting them to spend time alone, even if it is only for 15 minutes. (Older children will happily wait if they know that there is a regular time planned for you to be together.) Use daily events as opportunities to spend time alone with individual children e.g. Roster one kitchen helper who helps to prepare dinner each night. Plan quality time into your day so that the time is already designated and set aside. You are then less likely to feel like you should be doing something else.
  • Take one child with you whenever you run errands. Perhaps incorporate a special treat while you are out.
  • Occasionally plan parent/child dates that are over and above the ordinary. (Don’t forget to plan dates with your spouse too!)
  • Plan family nights, holidays and special events to do together.
  • Maybe you need to remove something from your life so that you have the time for each child. TV perhaps?
  • As teens (especially boys) grow and mature, they often need to be doing something with you to open up and talk. Consider planning to have a pool table, ping-pong table, car to fix up or some other hobby that allows for communication while doing something.
  • Be open to the “window of opportunity” for sharing. Time in the dark before bed is an excellent time for this.
  • Eat meals together as a family, without a television on in the background.
  • Kidnap them from school at lunchtime as a surprise (arrange this with the teacher first!) and go for a lunch date together.
  • Go camping together
  • Go for a walk around the neighbourhood.

Gifts

  • Gifts need not be expensive to be appreciated. Something thoughtful will be treasured too. Be aware though, that the occasional investment into a larger gift is required or the message may be that they are not worth much.
  • The little bibs and bobs they make for you are important – regard them with appreciation
  • If you are away, bring home a gift.
  • Gift giving must come with the other love languages to express true love. If emotional love tanks are empty, a gift will not fill them up alone and may in fact be treated with disdain. A trip to the shopping centre together to choose new PJ’s for winter covers quality time and gift giving.
  • Do not use gifts as bribery.
  • Avoid excess. If gifts are given in vast quantity they lose their specialness.
  • Take care in choosing gifts. If the gift is given with love and thought, a gifts child will love it just because it came from you. If they perceive that you have not made any effort with the choice it cheapens the gift.
  • When you hear them comment on something that they like, make a note of it and refer to this list when it comes time to choose a gift. Perhaps add smaller items to your Mummy and Daddy shop for siblings to purchase from.
  • Occasionally give a gift “just because,” not just on a birthday or Christmas.
  • Wrap up any item you would usually just give to your child. New shoes, a hat for summer, a new school lunch box etc. Paper and bows are important and beautifully presenting the gift makes it doubly special. If a gift comes with little pieces, wrap them all separately and perhaps have a treasure hunt to find them. Do not rush the opening process; it is part of the experience.

Acts of Service

  • Generally it is a good idea to only do things for your child that they are unable to do themselves. We want to promote diligence and a hard-working attitude. However, an acts of service child will love you to dry them after their shower, brush their hair, dress them, put their shoes on or any other task that they are quite capable of doing for themselves every now and again.
  •  If they ask you to do something for them or fix something, make an effort to do it quickly. It means more to them than it does to others.
  • If help is requested and is genuinely needed, give it as soon as you can.
  • Time together working on projects, cleaning something they want cleaned or achieving something they would like done will be appreciated.
  • Occasionally do one of their chores for them and when asked why, tell them it was just because you love them.
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Stay-at-home date nights

My 8 year old son set the table for our stay-at-home date night last night. He included everything he could to make it as special as possible, even placing a hidden note informing us that a CD had been selected and was in the player ready to go.

Once children arrive, going out for date nights is no longer as easy as it once was. If you have ready access to babysitting you may be able to go out regularly, but many of us find that it becomes more and more important to spend some time and effort planning special evenings at home, to be enjoyed after the children are in bed.

Good date nights take planning and effort. Decide ahead of time what you will do. If left to the night itself, most of us find that we simply lack the energy and inclination to peel ourselves off the couch to get to bed, never mind make a date night special. Pick a night each week or fortnight that will be your non-negotiable date night and don’t change it unless something extra special comes up instead. Perhaps arrange babysitters for one or two nights a month and plan to have date nights at home for the other nights.

If you are lucky enough to have two sets of Grandparents, you can alternate between them which means you only require them to babysit for you once a month – not too much of a load on those already often committed parents of ours. If you find it difficult to find babysitters, perhaps you could get together with another trusted family and swap babysitting with them – you go out one week while they watch your children and they go out the following week while you watch theirs.

Keep in mind your spouse’s love language. These date ideas will cover acts of service, quality time and easily lend themselves to physical touch, but don’t forget gift giving and words of affirmation. You could write a special invitation and leave it in the letterbox or email it to hubby at work, telling him how much you love him, how wonderful he is and building anticipation for the evening to come. A love note can be included on the dinner table or in the picnic hamper or written on the bathroom mirror in the morning before the date night and of course, you can spend the date itself speaking affirming words that you know will be meaningful to your husband.

Simple, inexpensive gifts can also be easily incorporated into the evenings. Why not wrap up the massage oil for the bathroom evening for example and hide it in his briefcase before he goes to work? You could tuck a wrapped new pair of socks into his undy drawer for a sock wrestle later and instruct him to wear them to the date or the brand new CD he has been wanting could be playing on the stereo as a surprise with the case wrapped up for him to open as the date begins. Simple items that will be a part of the date night anyway – even his favourite chocolate – can be given prior to the actual date to have him looking forward to it excitedly or as a part of the date experience itself. As you can see, all of these ideas are relatively inexpensive and easy to do but do require pre-planning. All communicate love!

Don’t forget that you are romancing your husband so take the time to look nice and present yourself in the way you know he likes. If he has a favourite outfit, why not wear it? No one else is around to see you so please his tastes, rather than your own, when you choose what you will wear. Take a shower and get dressed up – the same as you would when going out. Put on some makeup, the perfume your spouse loves and more importantly for him – the undergarments he loves! Anything he has chosen for you will usually be appropriate here. You don’t have to go out so you don’t have to wear them for too long and if you let him know you have it on at the start of the night, he’ll be fairly keen to take it off you by the end of the night!

Now for some ideas:

  • Do you have a trampoline? Take out the doonas, sleeping bags and pillows for some cuddling and star watching. Sock wrestling on the tramp is fun too – each of you wears socks and tries to pull the socks off the other first. Lots of giggling and close body contact here.
  • Set up a restaurant dinner at home with candles, tablecloth, wine – the lot. If you have one, hang a mozzie net around a small table and chairs on the back patio for an intimate setting. Alternatively, a table for two in your bedroom may work well. Perhaps the older children could even wait on the table for some extra pocket-money, just like a real 5 star restaurant.
  • Try a picnic on the grass in the backyard – don’t forget the portable stereo for some mood music. In wet weather, a picnic on the lounge room or bedroom floor can be nice.
  • What about a board game championship play-off with all the old board games you used to play and enjoy growing up. Maybe the winner gets to choose something the looser can do to (or for) them. Maybe this is your chance to try strip poker?
  • Set up a tent in the backyard with the kids during the day and have some fun playing in it with them first. In the evening before hubby gets home, turn it into an “adults only” area. Fill it with a mattress, doona, pillows and the like. Maybe set up the coffee table and lots of cushions around it for Middle Eastern style reclined dining. How about roasting marshmallows over the camp stove? You could even sleep out over night.
  • Cook a meal together. Something difficult and fiddly that you never usually have time for, or a favourite meal that you miss because the kids won’t eat it – super spicy curry, a highly expensive seafood platter…
  • Clean the bathroom from top to bottom during the day. (There’s nothing romantic about sitting in a mouldy, sandy, finger-marked bathtub – or is that only my bathroom?) Deck the bathroom out with ALL your candles, sprinkle rose petals, put on some mood music and fill up the bathtub. Set out the best towels for afterwards. Perhaps have some massage oil or a back massager on hand. Wash each other all over and go from there. If it’s the kid’s bathroom that has the tub, make sure you remove all those toys and other paraphernalia – you want the setting to be romantic.
  • Movie nights are great occasionally but don’t let this be the default option on a regular basis. Hire an old favourite or a DVD that you with both enjoy. Set up the lounge for the full cinema experience – low lighting, blankets, make popcorn and snacks and put them in paper cones or cups.
  • If babysitting allows, how about having the children looked after in the morning instead (or even better, overnight at the Grandparents for bonus date night AND morning). One of the things we miss most is a sleep in, leisurely breakfast, coffee and reading the newspaper in the mornings. We like to go out to breakfast and coffee at a café too if we get the chance, maybe stroll around the shops, markets or wherever we are, before collecting the children at lunchtime.
  • Hold a karaoke night for just the two of you. Not my thing, but some love to sing along and since there’s no one watching, why not give it a go.
  • Dust off that icecream maker, waffle maker, or simply set out a bunch of toppings and icecream flavours to create your own tasty treats – perhaps make a huge icecream Sunday to share.
  • Climb up on the roof with a blanket and do some stargazing and have a heartfelt conversation. All right, not all roofs are suitable and we don’t want any broken necks, but you’d be surprised how easy it is to find a comfy position on some. Don’t put your foot through the tiles though; climb up the ridge capping rather than across the centre of the tiles.
  • Check out many more stay-at-home date night ideas at http://www.healthymarriage.org/homedates.htm