Couch time and secure children

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Do your children know you love each other? Making your marriage a priority benefits your children and helps you to build a happy, secure and stable family. Much of your child’s sense of security comes from them seeing the relationship between you and your spouse functioning smoothly. When they can see that Mum and Dad really do love each other, they can rest in the assurance that the two most important people in their life are there to stay.

One tangible way we can give our children this assurance is by implementing couch time. Couch time comes from the Growing Kids God’s Way parenting course by Gary and Anne-Marie Ezzo. The Ezzos explain couch time this way: “When the workday is over, take ten or fifteen minutes to sit on the couch as a couple. Couch time is to take place when the children are awake, not after they go to bed. Couch time provides children with a visual sense of your togetherness. It is one tangible way your child can measure Mom and Dad’s love relationship and have that inner need satisfied. In addition, couch time provides a forum for Mom and Dad’s personal and relational needs to be met.”

Many couple will respond that they do not need couch time because their children know they love each other. They do not fight and get along just fine. That may be true, but if we step back for a minute and take a look at it from the child’s point of view, the children may not be getting the tangible reminder that they need. Many of us spend the evening after Dad gets home getting children fed, clean and into bed. Once the work is done, Mum and Dad sit back, relax and have some time together. But our children are not here for this together time. They have seen Mum and Dad working together but not operating within a husband/wife role that demonstrates their love relationship with each other.

Benefits:

Couch time is good for the whole family, but is particularly useful if you have children who are regularly waking at night or just seem to be misbehaving for no good reason. You will be amazed at how the simple act of talking together for a short time every night will help bring peace to your home. Sometimes the simple things really are the best things. Don’t knock it ’til you try it! A word of warning though; don’t expect any behavioural changes until you have been consistent for at least a couple of weeks. They are watching to see if this is a new flash in the pan thing that will disappear or if it’s permanent.

What:

10 minutes or so to sit and talk together, not engaging in any other task, otherwise children perceive that you are “cooking” or “washing dishes” etc. even though you know that you are sharing and catching up.They need to see you just talking and loving each other. Eye contact and full attention necessary!

Have Dad be the one that announces “It’s couch time, I am going to talk to Mummy because I love her and you need to play here with …. and not interrupt until we are done.”
Expect kids to test your resolve initially – in the longer term they will probably start reminding you to have it! Have Dad be the one who tells a child who is trying to interrupt that they need to wait until couch time is over to talk. Why? Mum is in charge all day and this is one way to demonstrate that Dad is head of the house. Otherwise your child may perceive that Dad is only doing it because Mum is making him as she is in charge of all else in the child’s world for the rest of the day.

When:

Any time of day when the children are awake and present. When Dad first walks in is a good time but not always practical. Does your husband get home late? Have the kids fed, teeth done, ready and in bed. You two sit on the end of their bed and chat before hubby spends some time reading a story and spending time with the children. Perhaps have it first up in the morning while Mum and Dad have a coffee together. The time is not important, consistency is.

Where:

Somewhere the children can see and hear you but not interrupt. Not while you do something else. The exception here is dinner. If your children do not need help during the meal, you may announce after grace is said and the food is served that it is Mummy and Daddy’s talk time now so please eat your dinner in silence until it is your turn to speak. The added bonus here is that with nothing to do other than eat, dinner gets eaten in record time! If you are still having to help little ones or be constantly interrupted, then dinner is not the time for you to practise couch time.

 

How often:

Every day if you can when you first get started, but once the habit is established then 4 or more times a week. The younger the children are, the more important it is to do every day until a pattern is set. Remember they will try to interrupt and you are training a new skill so be consistent until expectations are well established.

Preparation:

Teach toddlers to have blanket or mat time so that they will stay within the boundary set by you with a few toys to keep them occupied while you talk. Set aside a bag or container of toys that are just for couch time to keep interest high. Pop small children into their playpen while you talk. Direct older children to find a book, some cars or whatever will be interesting to them while you chat. Sometimes children will want to have their own “couch time” while you are talking.

What to talk about:

While with young children it really does give you an opportunity to share and develop your relationship, with older kids the situation is a little different because it becomes a filtered conversation. It’s not a true reflection of our day because we still have to watch what we say in front of the kids. I can’t really share what my day has been like because that involves talking about the children in a way I would not do in front of them or in front of their siblings. Now we use the time to communicate to Dad areas we are working on with the children, their successes from the day, academic achievements and other non-moral happenings. I would not embarrass a child by reporting their misbehaviours in front of their siblings.

Discipline:

Children who persistently interrupt may need to be removed from the room for that day’s couch time or given other suitable consequences. You may like to use a 10 minute sand timer so the kids can see how long they need to wait. Our 5, 10 and 15 minute sand-timers are always being used for something. They are great for little ones because they can see how much time is passing and how much remains

 

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The 3 times rule

My wonderful husband; the only adult who got in there with the kids on the black plastic water-slide at family camp.

I wrote some time ago about the 10 times rule for children. Today it’s the 3 times rule for husbands. At an Easter conference for families and leaders in ministry, the wives got together for an informal chat about ways to support our husbands. There were many ideas bandied around, most of which I had heard before. But one was new to me and worth passing on. It is very simple; the first time your husband does something that irritates, grates, you dislike or simply don’t want him to do for practical reasons, say nothing. The second times he repeats the action, say nothing. After the third occasion it is time to raise the subject – at an appropriate time. More on that in a minute.

Let me give you an example. I like my house to be fairly tidy but don’t knock myself out about it. With 6 children I’ve had to face the reality that it will never look like a display home. However, when I have cleaned up and it is looking good, the first bit of mess or clutter that is dumped really bothers me. My husband arrived home to a spotless kitchen and dining area (rare I know) and proceeded to kick his shoes off underneath the bench before heading outside to play with the children. My immediate impulse was to tell him (politely) not to leave his shoes there please, with the fear that he might start doing it regularly. When I stopped to think about it I had to concede that he usually doesn’t leave his shoes there and that this was a one-off occurrence. With that in mind, I said nothing.

If however, he began to kick them off there day after day it would be time to raise the matter. Now to the next important point; how to raise it. With my personality type, I tend to confront immediately and efficiently and solve what I see as the problem straight away. It is in fact often wiser to wait for a moment when you are free from conflict, both calm and relaxed and you have had time to think through the words you will use and how to phrase the problem so as to not sound negative, angry or like a nit-picking, nagging wife.

It may be that it is time to praise some of the things you do like about what your husband does, before starting on the things you don’t like. Next time you catch yourself about to jump in with a negative, stop and think. Is this the third time? You’ll be surprised at how many things can be left to slide by without comment, leaving only those that you really do need to talk about. Your husband will appreciate it.

[9] It is better to live in a corner of the housetop
than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
(Proverbs 21:9 ESV)